Snowfall
by Kazekage-Hime
Summary: OneShot. After some deep thinking Kaistern goes out to take a walk, and runs into Rath. Both in dire emotional straits they realize there's something they need to tell each other. RathKaistern


_By: Mizuki-Sama_

Previously Known as Dark Dungeon Mistress, author of "The Crystal Prison." Its been a long time coming, but I'm going to start updating that again on my other account. Until then, here's a one-shot romantic piece.

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**Snowfall**

_Kaistern/Rath

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_"Sometimes, at night, when it's completely quiet the world seems unreal. When you're alone it seems like you're the only one who really truly exists and you can forget about everything else. You push away the problems of the world to the back of your mind and just let your imagination take over. It's wonderful... to dream." _

Kaistern sighed and closed the book he'd been reading. Book, was he considering it just a book now? The book was his journal - - or what had been his journal before things had started getting really hectic. He didn't have time anymore. He was always gone from the castle.

As time moves on things changed. So did ideas. He didn't truly dream anymore, only hoped for the world not to get worse than it already was. After visiting so many places, dealing with so many asshole bureaucrats who didn't give a damn, and being forced to be diplomatic - - keep quiet about how WRONG everything was! - - the world seemed a dimmer, more horrid place.

He'd written the above passage only a little after first stepping foot inside the castle walls in Draqueen. It had been so grand then, funny how that even changed. It was a sparkling haven and he had been awestruck as he was led about on tour. It was only home now. A home he didn't get to see very often.

He wished he could still feel, still remember, how he felt as he wrote that paragraph. What had inspired such faith? He had been so young, so naive back then. He hadn't seen anything then. Now... he closed his eyes... now, he only wished to forget. If only he could force those terrible things out of his head.

He wasn't cynical. _At least not yet. Yeah, but just give me some time._ He thought to himself, resting his head in his hands. He hated the fact he was losing those once strongly felt emotions. Those emotions of his youth. He shouldn't give up, give _in._ Not yet. He was still quite young. He didn't want to become one of those brooding people who hated the world and everyone in it. He had been a happy person. He enjoyed happy things.

Only... only it was hard to enjoy much when the mind began turning to those horrible things. How could anyone turn their back on the rest of humanity - - let them suffer like some did. He was a naturally caring person and couldn't imagine how cruelty could run so rampant in the world.

Evil. Yes, evil caused bad things, but how did it exist. Demons are evil, of course. Humans are evil, a lot of the time. Dragons, yes even Dragons could be evil. It was something that not many could comprehend. How could Dragons, protectors, be evil. But just like Yokai, and Humans, and other beings they were only... beings. Imperfect beings prone to jealousy and anger. Hatred. Cruelty.

That thought upset him. Everything deep down had the ability to be good. Few ever had the strength to turn against the wrong and head to the right. It was so much easier to give up rather than to fight. Fighting only caused more pain, whether it be to the person fighting or others around them.

And Innocents always got hurt.

He remembered a whole village, a WHOLE village, slaughtered. Women and children along with the men. Mothers clutching their children even in death. Men slain at their doors as they valiantly tried to protect their families. There had only been one survivor. A tiny baby had escaped the destruction, but she was too young to live without her mother and soon died - - right in his arms.

Tears began to pour silently down his ivory cheeks.

What was the point? Why even try? The end was only death anyway. What mattered what filled the space in-between? Who cared? Why should he care? _There you go. You're starting to sound like one of those broody old men. One of those damnable doomsayers. 'The end of the world is coming everyone! We're all going to die and go to hell! Why try?_

He took his glasses off momentarily to scrub the tears away. He'd not cry. It was pointless. Crying did nothing but add more pain to the world. _And God knows we don't need anymore of that._ He replaced his glasses and ran his hands through his snowy hair.

Once again he opened his old journal and began to skim through its pages. He stopped on the last entry. Perhaps he hadn't stopped so long ago. Through all the erratic years he had managed to keep up all right. Sometimes a few years would pass and then there would be another entry. Who knew how long the last one had been written - - it hadn't been dated - - but that wasn't important. The important thing was that these feelings, these emotions, were still here and even more stronger now than then.

_"Everything was going wrong today. For once I had done nothing, but Alfeegi was angry at Ruwalk for something, probably something old, so he took it out on me. That's when he showed up, basically saving me from any more punishment. Of course Alfeegi immediately went off on him - - always does, doesn't he?_

_I don't know why he did it. He knew he'd get yelled at, but he grinned at me and then stepped in. He took my place on purpose. He hates me. He hates most everyone. He hates himself. It hurts to watch him hurt, but I have to smile when he's happy. The world seems right. If he can be happy then there might be some hope._

_Maybe some day he'll see the way I feel, or feel what I feel. I shouldn't feel like this. I should feel wrong - - but I don't. I watched him since youth, almost raised him in a way, but these feelings won't go away. I love him. I love everything about him. _

_And he hates me." _

His handwriting had been so hurried. His words weren't as eloquent as usual. They were raw emotions scribbled as they came. Feelings that came so quickly they had nearly overwhelmed him at points. He remembered writing this, and he still felt like this. His fingers traced a couple teardrops. He had cried when he finished writing it. _He still hates me_. He thought solemnly.

_Damn it. Damn everything. I WANT TO FORGET_! He snapped the journal closed again. If only he didn't know what he knew. _If only_.… _Fuck it._

He glanced outside into the darkness. It had been around ten o'clock at night when he had begun this trip into nostalgia. The sudden urge to pull the journal off his shelf had seized him so violently. It was midnight now according to the chiming of a clock somewhere inside the castle. Midnight should have been still, but a soft downward movement caught his attention.

Upon closer inspection he saw that it was snowing again. The white flakes spiraled through the air, landing chaotically on the windowpane and melting into oblivion. That's how everything went: into oblivion. People, places disappeared forever and almost no one ever remembered them. One of the worst things in life was to be forgotten.

He supposed an equal was not ever being known. That frightened him more than anything. To truly know someone, inside and out, to delve into his or her very soul, was one of the hardest things to do. Everyone was afraid of being known. So they put on masks and waltzed around in the daylight smiling and laughing before the darkness overtook them and they climbed into their hole and cried and screamed and suffered and no one would ever know their pain, the pain of being alone.

The scariest thing in the world was to have someone know you, truly know you. They were able to get into your head, know how you fell, and know when you lie. That was dangerous. People lied for all sorts of reasons, and the main one was to keep people away from them. It was somehow easier to manage being alone. You couldn't possibly mess any one else's life up while you kept chiseling at and fighting to fuck up your own. That was the only way to keep yourself sane, to know you were still alive. If you could feel then you were still alive.

Kaistern felt numb.

He didn't know how long ago this feeling of mediocrity had descended upon him, but it was there and it had torn everything inside him to pieces. Everything was just a habit now. He was a machine. Come home from one despairing journey, maybe spend a few days in privacy, maybe those few days would send Rath in occasionally to make him smile, then he would be sent straight out again into another despairing journey. He hated it all, but he had hated it all for so long that he could barely feel that anymore.

His life had become the thing he had feared most. A vicious cycle. It never ended and it only got worse because there was nothing else that he could do about it. There was no one he could turn to. Everyone else had their problems, some just as bad as his own. He would be selfish to try and lay out his. Knowing everyone at the castle he would make a safe bet that after that they would not only be worried over their own troubles, but be worried over his as well. He would not put that off on them. They were his friends, even if sometimes he pushed them away and didn't act like it, and he would not force that upon them.

With a deep sigh he pulled himself from his seat and returned the journal to it's proper place on the bookshelf. He stood, as if an attraction was still dragging him towards it. His weary, disheartened eyes traveled over it's spine as did his fingers. This book had been through so much with him, held his memories. Some of them good, some of them bad. The worst thing was that the bad parts had kept growing steadily toward the end. How could things be so bad? How did things sneak up on one in such a manner? He hadn't realized the gravity of everything.

"What's the point?" His low voice carried through the room, cutting through the silence awkwardly. Sadness enveloped him and he bowed his head. Memories were memories and nothing more. The past was always behind you, and no matter what you did or how hard you tried you could never bring back the good times. You cannot change the past, and the most frustrating part of life was that you could hardly change the future; which, as it seemed, was taking a rather violent and dark downward spiral.

Kaistern gave a lonesome glance around his room. He felt smothered and the room was suddenly growing too hot - - or too cold, one - - for him to handle. He had to get out of here. He didn't care where he went as long as he got away. It was just another reminder of just how alone he really was. He had thought he had come to terms with that fact long ago, but the immense feeling of pressure and isolation welled greatly inside him. He was choking.

He grabbed his coat unceremoniously from its hook beside the door and proceeded into the hallway. He walked swiftly, but softly. He didn't want to wake any of the others. Once again, there was no need to burden them with his troubles, and they would definitely know something was really wrong with the white-haired officer if he was caught suddenly taking a liking to roaming the hallways at night.

For the first time in a long while Kaistern realized just how quiet the palace was at night. Little sounds could be heard everywhere. Clocks ticking, chiming. Small rustlings. Occasionally he could hear the gentle breath of someone sleeping. He listened intently to all the sounds. He knew Tetheus would be on watch. He was always so vigilant. Sometimes Kaistern wondered how that man managed to keep everything together, how he could stay so calm.

Luckily he made it through the halls and to one of the side doors without being seen. As he stepped out into the chilly night air he felt a sense of peace. He knew it was only temporary, but peace was always temporary. There would always be turmoil - - there would always be wars. For now though, Kaistern shoved those thoughts from his mind. He knew if he thought too much on them he would go insane. It was time to become that machine again.

He breathed in deeply, closing his eyes in pleasure as the cold washed over him, through him. It was so silent out there. Upon gazing up into the sky he wondered vaguely where the gentle snowflakes were coming from. It was fairly clear and he could see stars winking at him. He shoved his hands deep in the pockets of his coat and began to walk aimlessly. He decided to let his feet guide him. As he walked he watched the snowfall and the stars. He admired the fingernail moon, whose rays fell like silver over his face and shined brightly throughout his hair. It looked as smooth and fine as silk. Anyone lucky enough to see him would have thought they had just witnessed an angel.

xxx

The world moved at so fast a pace that it left some behind in its wake floundering in turmoil. Pain was a normal part of the world. With out pain there would be no pleasure for no one would appreciate it. It was like light and darkness, good and evil. They created a balance. Sometimes however there was no balance and that was where the trouble began. A soul filled solely with pain and darkness can last only a little while before breaking down completely and losing all will to live.

There is a wide debate that still rages between everyone whether it is brave or cowardly to kill yourself. No one seems to realize that this is a personal choice and bravery or cowardice has nothing to do with it. In fact the only emotion that can be said for sure is desperation. There is no argument that suicide is a desperate act. No one kills himself or herself because they are bored, or tired of the world they live in. They do it because they can't handle it anymore. They do it because they have lost all control and all hope.

There is no way to truly tell all who may be prone to committing this desperate and last act of their lives. Mostly the one who is suffering suffers in silence, spending most of his time trying to act like he is okay just so others don't see. Some believe others wouldn't care, some believe they would care too much. Either way they hold within them the secret power of their own destruction. Secrets are the most dangerous thing in the world.

... And more than anybody Rath Illuser knew about secrets. He had kept them his entire life, prone to violent fits or angry silence if one was to escape. Most were trivial, just small things that wouldn't really matter. On occasion it actually had some importance to what was going on. Those he eventually spilled, even if it wasn't apparent to the others, letting on tiny hints that would turn his comrades in the right direction. They never sensed his pushing.

No matter what kind of secret it was, small or big; Rath grasped it for dear life. Keeping them, knowing that he was the only one who knew, gave him a high he couldn't describe. He was in control of the situation. He was the one with all the information and the knowledge. To look at someone and think 'I know something you don't' brought on a feeling something close to euphoria. If he could keep his deepest secrets then he was the master. A master had control over his own life.

His secrets allowed him to hold one piece of himself away. They let him be an individual. Only when he was holding back something did he feel in control. His whole life was nothing more to him but a masquerade. He pretended to be fine; to be normal, but it was those few people who knew that he wasn't that made his life hell. To tell the truth he didn't know who held the keys to the chains anymore. Was it himself? Was it them? The Dragon Lord had created him. He was nothing more to a puppet.

He was truly alone. He could tell no one. He trusted none of the Dragon Officers. None of them. They were all alike. They would smile and tell them that they cares, perhaps they did. On the inside they were all full of pity. Poor Rath. Poor different Rath. He knew that more than one had to hate him alongside that. Rath, the half-yokai waste of space. Why did the Dragon Lord ever make him? Whim, it had to be a whim. He frowned. He couldn't talk to anyone he really trusted. They were few anyway. He wouldn't talk to anyone. If he told some of the things that went through his head then they would know. He would lose his control, his own ability to be free. The less they knew about him the better.

The easier it would be on all of them when he left. He was going to die and he knew it. It was only a matter of time. He was stronger than ever but he felt so damned weak. He was losing grip on everything that had anchored him to reality. He realized this was happening but knew that it would only be futile to fight against it. Fate was a vicious beast. If he was to die then he could not escape it.

What did it even matter? Everyone died eventually. Rath had lived his life. He had been productive in a sense, his killing demons. He would not go away feeling like he had never accomplished anything, even if he was never able to capture his own freedom. The only thing that he would regret was the only thing that kept him sane at times - - and the only thing he could think of that was probably driving him insane. Keeping his beloved secrets.

One bothered him the most. It was the secret he yearned to tell more than anything. It was the secret that he thought constantly about. He let it lead him by the heart and chain him down. That was the only thing in his life he didn't feel apprehensive about holding him back. He was deeply in love. At first he hadn't realized it was love and pushed all of the emotions away, and the object that the affection was pointed at. As he came to terms he tried to embrace it best as he could. Love was like death, inevitable and final - - and painful.

He could not tell the one he loved how he felt for many reasons. He feared rejection. He usually didn't fear anything; especially something so petty as rejection, but the thought of being told by the one person that you cared for most, the one person that you would die for, that they did not feel the same as you stopped his heart. Yet he knew if that was the only thing holding back the truth it would have been a small price to pay to know if the love was mutual.

The thing that held him back the most was knowing he was going to die. If he did tell his secret then that would bring on a chain of events. One that might lead to a relationship, or even more fear. If he was to die then what was the point of even mentioning it? He would only hurt the one he loved by letting on how he felt. When he was gone that would only cause a bigger rift in their heart. He could not let that happen, let them hurt.

He gazed up into the pitch-black sky. The gentle flakes of snow wafted around his slender frame. He hated snow. He hated snow almost as bad as he hated demons. Yet again, wasn't he a demon himself? Partly anyway. He hated himself and everything that came with the package. No longer could he go on living his lies, keeping his secrets. He felt like he might break soon and he could not allow that. That was the very thing his whole existence had been about, striving to keep everything quiet and away from the others.

He had resolved that tonight would be his last night in this world. Whatever happened after this was up to whoever was in charge. He didn't fear the release, but welcomed it. He wanted it and needed it before he went insane. Life no longer meant anything. The meaning was gone along with all chance of happiness. He had never been happy and he knew he never would be. The only way now was out. He felt almost bad for leaving all those who cared for him, the ones who truly loved him, behind, but this was better for them. Better for all of them.

He picked himself up from his seat, sighing as he wrapped his arms around himself. It was time to leave. He had a spot picked out to end it all and he needed to get there. The fire dragon knight glanced around himself one last time. However much he hated this place he did want to get one last look before he sent himself to hell. Despite everything it still held many memories and quite a bit of nostalgia.

_Goodbye_. He thought, eyes softening to such a degree he never thought possible. _The lot of you. Especially . . ._ "Kaistern?" His eyes widened as shock as the one name was spoken in barely a breath. His chest caught and his insides tumbled over and over within. Kaistern was nearby, coming up the path. He hadn't seen Rath yet, but the half-demon knew he would if he stayed put. Yet something held him there as if spikes had been driven into his feet. He couldn't move, he couldn't breath. All he could do was see.

Kaistern's hair glimmered like silk, the milky whiteness drinking up the moon-rays like a connoisseur would fine wine. They glinted off his glasses, but the knight could see those charming, soft, and playful eyes clearly. All he needed to do was concentrate. He couldn't pull himself away, even as the Dragon Officer's approach was becoming dangerously close. As the snow dance around him Rath couldn't help but compare him to an angel, and so dearly did he love the angel.

xxx

He didn't plan to walk this far, but as Kaistern continued on he couldn't stop his feet. The wonder and beauty of this night was too much to waste. He felt that he might be out here all night if it kept up. It wasn't like sleep was something he had to have. More than once he had had to go without for long periods, but that was the price to pay for being the traveler.

He hated to leave the castle, especially because he had to leave Rath. He worried constantly about the knight. He knew that he probably shouldn't because he could take care of himself but still something nipped at the edge of his mind. Lately Rath had been avoiding everyone more and more. It was on purpose Kaistern knew. Rath liked to be alone; he loved his free time. He hated others telling him what to do. There was a empty and pained look in Rath's eyes that frightened the white-haired officer. He didn't think Rath noticed it or he would be trying to hide it. He feared what Rath might do if driven any further than he was now.

Kaistern wouldn't know what to do if something happened to Rath. He had watched the boy grow up through the years into the strong, determined, albeit troubled, young man that now caused his heart to flutter and yearn with every drop of his existence. He didn't remember when he began to love him, but it really didn't matter anymore. It was already too late and he was trapped. He couldn't fathom the thought of living without him.

Suddenly he stopped in his tracks. Rath was standing nearby, his eyes wide in shock and seemingly frozen in place. Kaistern knew he must have appeared the same way. He hadn't expected to see Rath out here because he knew the knight hated the snow. It was apparent that Rath hadn't expected to see Kaistern either. Getting over his shock he smiled, delighted to see him. "Why hello, Rath. You scared me. I didn't think anyone else would be out here."

Rath smiled also, holding himself back from grabbing the older man like he normally did. He knew that if he received that familiar tingle from their touch he wouldn't be able to go through with his plans. He wouldn't be able to leave the beauty that stood before him. "Neither did I. I didn't think anyone else would have been up either." That was his gentle way of prying out the reasons for Kaistern being out here so late. Something must have been wrong.

"Oh, I was just going through old memories." Kaistern replied as he made his way over. "I found an old journal of mine. Some of it was very interesting." True. There was no need to tell Rath about how he felt while reading and remembering his complete naive illusions when he was younger. "I couldn't sleep so I decided to come out here." He motioned to the area, the sky. "Quite stunning isn't it?"

"Beautiful." Rath replied, meaning both the surroundings and Kaistern. He wanted to tell him how precious he was, how much he regretted having to leave him behind. He wanted to tell him how sorry he was for never telling him how much he loved him and desired to be by his side always and how much it hurt when he had to watch Kaistern leave him each time. He wanted to tell him that he didn't hate him.

"So, why are you out here? I thought you hated snow." Kaistern grinned.

"I do." Rath replied, not being able to help notice something different about the light-haired officer. It was that grin. It bothered Rath somehow. Yes, something was worrying or upsetting Kaistern. Only he was trying to hide it. Kaistern never hid anything from Rath. "What's wrong?" He wanted to know and he didn't care how blunt he sounded. It wouldn't matter anymore after tonight anyway.

"What do you mean?" There was a small, almost inaudible quiver in Kaistern's voice. Oh yeah, Kaistern was upset.

"You're different, something is bugging you. Why aren't you telling me, Kai." Rath surprised himself. He hadn't called him that for years.

"There is nothing wrong with me." Kaistern said, voice rising defensively, "and what would it matter if there were. You never tell _me_ anything so why do you expect me to tell _you_. " He didn't mean to sound as harsh as he did, or say what he did. In a way it was true. Rath told him a lot, but there still were areas even he wasn't allowed to peer into and it hurt Kaistern to be kept in the dark. He knew that Rath didn't really care about him, only pretended to. That's what made it different between Kaistern and Rath then compared to the other officers, the fact that he knew that.

Rath was hurt, but he didn't blame the older man for thinking that he didn't care. He pushed him away or held him too close. If Rath were Kaistern he would think himself a selfish, needy brat who just used people to get through things and come out on top. Rath couldn't help grin softly at the thought of "being on top," only in different context. Images danced through his head of the beauty, naked and vulnerable, lying beneath him, screaming his name in ecstasy. It was a bittersweet smile, for he knew they were only visions of what was never to be.

Before he could stop himself he reached out his hand and brought it to cup the side of Kaistern's face. His skin was soft, like velvet. Rath gazed sadly into his eyes, which were quickly filling with confusion. "Kai..." His voice cracked. "... I ..." He couldn't speak, he couldn't breath. An overwhelming sense of loss overtook him. The pain was incredible. Could he really do it? Could he really leave? At that moment their eyes locked in silent struggle and Rath would have to say no. His soul was waging war. He had promised himself no more, that it was to be over tonight, but Kai... how could he walk away from Kai. Especially like this.

"Rath?" Kaistern spoke the boy's name. He was truly baffled. Kai? God, how long had it been since that name had been used. Rath was acting very strangely, and that look in his eyes. He wanted to sweep Rath up in his arms and take away all of his suffering, perhaps even relieve the ache within his own heart.

His own name. That was all that took to bring him back to his senses. With a cry of desperation he threw himself into the older man's arms, burying his face in the warmth of his chest. "Please... please stop me." He murmured. "Don't let me walk away." Arms encircled him, tightened around him with the same amount of desperation that he felt. "I don't hate you, Kai." They stood embracing one another for a few minutes. "Kai?" Rath inquired, he raised his face and was surprised to see tears streaming from the white-haired officer's eyes.

Kaistern felt the dawning realization turn within him like a knife. From the moment he had first seen Rath tonight he knew something was off. 'Please stop me.' Rath was going to kill himself. He didn't know exactly what made him certain of this fate perhaps it was because Kaistern had known the boy too long. Perhaps it was something else. It broke his heart. But it was what he said next that made him cry.

Rath didn't hate him.

"Kai, why are you crying?"

Kaistern answered, letting everything pour out into the open. "Because I am alone. Because the world is a horrible place. Because..." He paused, eyes meeting Rath's. He was no longer afraid. What would happen would happen, but he could go on this way, hiding. He owed himself; he owed Rath the truth. "... I love you." He caressed Rath's cheek with his knuckles and smiled gently.

Rath stood in shock. Kaistern loved him? Could that be possible? Or was this just a momentary ploy to get him back to the castle? No, Kaistern didn't lie... and not with so much emotion like that. Rath saw the uncertainty, the fear in his eyes. He couldn't leave Kaistern like that. "I... I love you, too." He forced himself to say, but after the words were out a veil lifted from over his heart. He no longer had to keep that one secret, worry about how Kaistern felt.

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This story went a little off the tracks for me. I began with a simple concept (Rath, Kaistern, and some snow) but the beginning kept growing. I decided to leave the huge cynical start because I thought it might emphasize how great it was to finally realize that there is "a point." I hope it wasn't too long winded Shruggs Hate me if you want.

Also, this fic sprang from staring at one certain picture too much. It was a piece of fan-art that someone did with Rath and Kaistern standing together while it was snowing. It's one of my favorites, and eventually the idea for this story came to me and I couldn't pass it up. It just decided to grow a little bigger than I had originally planned, which was simple. It became complex. sigh.


End file.
